Gina's Ramblings

I tried posting this yesterday but the internet gremlins ate it.

Yesterday was my nine week mark. So far so good though. MY symptoms are decreasing. But I am trying my best not to read too much into it.

Yesterday I got my fetal doppler in the mail. What a neat little thing! I swear it is something new for me to play with.... or is that obsess over??? It is still too early yet to get a heartbeat with any type of certainty... But it is hours of entertainment HAHA.

I had to tell my aunt-in-law (I Think that is what I would call her) We are headed to CO for vacation. A lot of the activities that are coming up are ones I am restricted from. No impact activities, twisting etc due to the hemorrhage and the cyst. I did swear her to secrecy however. She said she will quietly celebrate and pray for us.

So anyway here I am. I feel in total limbo. After the ultrasound and seeing the heartbeat I want to celebrate. It is said there is less than a 2% chance of miscarrying after you see/hear the heartbeat. But I have once seen the heartbeat only to go on to miscarry. My next appointment will be the deciding moment for me. If my doctor finds the heartbeat in the office, or I find it with the doppler at home. I can breathe easier. I will then let the kids know. And then the family too.

I can't wait to tell the grandma's I have a special plan to tell them. It should be fun :)

Well that is that

Until next time,
Me

Today I went in and got the results of the testing and u/s etc. My blood work all came back good. The prometrium is doing its job and my levels are good. I have to continue the progesterone through my 13th week.

The U/S well that is where things get a little tricky.

 First the good news. The baby looks GREAT. The little one was measuring a day ahead (as of last week).

Now the cyst. It is 4.3cm. Their guidelines for the 'danger zone' size is 5cm. So At this point they will redo another u/s to check it in another couple of months. I was told what could happen.

- It can simply remain and resolve itself after I deliver.

-The cyst could get large enough to torque my tube. Basically twisting it over. The highest probably of that happening will occur at 10 weeks or after delivery.

-It could reasorb and be great.

-Or my least favorite. It could rupture. Any pain or fever I am supposed to go to the hospital immediately.

At this point there is no danger to the baby or myself.  I am also clear to travel.  Yippie!!! I just have to stop every 2 hours and stretch.  No, really, doctors orders.  Also no heavy lifting or straining.

The u/s also showed a subchorionic hemorrhage. It appears that might be the reason for the pink spotting. The blood for the most part should be reasorbed into the body though. This is something I am completely unfamiliar with.  Other than that things are great.

My blood pressure is up again into the normal range. Last time it was a bit low. I have lost 10 pounds. I do not have morning sickness. I just think I am making much much better diet decisions.

Well that is about it... My novel for today hehe

I have my OB appointment.  We will go over the ultrasound findings and all.  Probably go over all the baby info.  I am also concerned about the cyst.  It is fairly large and a bit close to the baby.  So I wonder what the proper procedure is for that?  I hope it will not interfere with our travel plans.  I told dh to go ahead and if I can't travel I expect him to go without me.  He basically laughed at me! lol  I would however hate to be the reason our trip gets cancelled.

I am a bit anxious to say the least.  I am progressing well and confident.  But still worried about the possibilities. 

I think we may have come to a possible conclusion.
We like the sea creatures theme.  And this one seems gender neutral enough. 



What do you think?  Will this work for a boy or girl?
With the sort of seafom green walls? Not that puky green though.
Or maybe even a yellow? Nah I do not think that would work here.

One more thing about that nice wonderful ultrasound tech I forgot to mention.  As I went in I had DS#2 with me.  I let her know that because of the losses we haven't told ANYONE including him about the baby. 
So the woman who won't tell me anything tells my son "hey look right there that is the baby.   See the baby?" OMG! I was livid.  So After the appointment I tell him they aren't sure if it really is a baby....Trying my best to cloak it right?
Well this kid is getting to old and too smart for these things! lol
The next day he tells me how I need to eat the Life cereal for the baby.  How he can't wait to meet the baby and how he thinks it is a girl.  Which in itself is odd because a couple days prior I had a dream I was breastfeeding this little blonde baby girl with little curls.  Maybe our intuitions are on to something?? We will see.
Anyway DH said that we may have to step up the timeline of telling family.  If Little Man spills the beans we will have to tell the family a bit over a month before we planned.
However I do hope he can forget about it during our vacation and just not tell anyone. 

 

Well I am trying to figure out what "theme" the baby's nursery will be.  I want something gender neutral.  I honestly do not think that we will be finding out the gender this time around.  But give me a week I may change my mind lol. 
I want to paint the room a light yellow or a light green. 
The John Lennon collection has some cute things.

Maybe insects? Zoo animals? Moon and stars? hmmmm

We will have our own house by the time this little one arrives so I can be creative and not worry about returning the house to normal for the owners.

Well all today (I am 7w6d)  I went in and had my first ultrasound.  Up until this point I have had nothing.... No betas no nothing.  Totally frustrating. 
The girl who did the ultrasound was a bit less than social.  She didn't want to tell me anything because "the radiologist has to evaluate it" 
Oh you will love this... I told her I was nervous and when she asked why I said because of previous losses.  She then goes on to tell me... " I can tell you if there is something there but I cannot guarantee it will stay"
I pushed though.  I got to see my baby.   The hearbeat is in the 160's.  I got to see that glorious little flicker. 
I wasn't told the measurements or anything either.  Yeah I was frustrated to the umpteenth degree.
I also have a large cyst on my left ovary.  I hear they are normal ...But that does explain the pain.
I am still on the prometrium for a couple more weeks.  I still cannot relax too much.  I have seen the heartbeat before and gone on to lose the baby.
I go in Monday to my Dr and will get the results of the U/S and a pap and etc etc



The circle is the yolk sac...That will give way to the placenta.  The baby's head is in the lower left corner.  Her but is near the yolk sac.
You can see little arm buds and little leg buds too

Oh man I tell you this is just lovely.  Last night I had a decrease in my symptoms.  I now have in the back of my mind tomorrows appointment will bear  bad news.  I just know it.  Maybe I am preparing myself for the worst.  Maybe I just have that wonderful instinct that is unfortunately right. 
I am getting tired of being told do not worry.  I will worry until  I have the baby in my arms.  If the appointment goes well tomorrow.... Which as I said I have doubts.
 

Is for her to start spotting!!!   At about 5.5 weeks I had some pink spotting.  Not a lot but enough for me to freak out.  Last night it happened again!!! Again pink but this time more.  I was devastated!!   Why in the world am I being tortured like this? 
It wasn't an amount that is definitively saying I am miscarrying.  But enough to make me worry more.  Who would have thought that was possible?? Me worry more about this pregnancy. 
I am told it is "normal" for pink spotting.  That is could be a good sign.  OK yeah that helps... NOT.
It could be from the Progesterone.  That can irritate the blood vessels.
I still won't bee OK until after Wednesday.  I need to know what is going on.  Come on Wednesday HURRY  UP!!!!

Yes people hehe after today 3 more days until my ultrasound.  I am so full of all kinds of emotions.  I am of course nervous.  I think that is the predominant emotion.  I am nervous that something will be wrong.  Nervous that I will go through the same BS with a loss again.  That is so painful.  Something that I am not sure if I can go through again.
 
  My husband isn't worried.  He also feels I shouldn't be either. I am not sure, maybe it is because he is an eternal optimist when it comes to these things or if the other losses didn't effect him as they did me. 

I am also happy.  I am looking forward to seeing my baby and seeing his or her heartbeat.  Oh my what if there are two babies??  Not that I was on Fertility medications or anything but twins run in the family. 

I am just hoping that everything will be OK.  I am fairly confident that things will be OK.  I feel great.   Well aside from the typical pregnancy symptoms. 

Of course I am anxious! Tick tick tick come on time! hehe

Little man will be going to the appointment with me.  Dh has duty and absolutely cannot get off of work to go.  It is a little frustrating.  If the appointment would have last week like I was told dh could have been there.  DS is a good kid though and so far he is cluless about what these appointments are for.  He just sits there with his snack and gaming device and is good to go.

So Wednesday afternoon I will be at the hospital waiting and probably not patiently. 

 

 

I am up right now and it is almost 9pm.  That is unusual for me.  I am just so dang exhausted lately.   I know I know it is all part of the pregnancy thing.  I know I wasn't this bad with the boys.   But then again I was younger with them.  Maybe that is it.  I am old and tired haha.
I just seem to cut out on everybody and sleep.  Heck last night I was in bed at 7pm!! 7! Geesh.  I even slept in until 9am.  And here I am exhausted.  My son said to me the other day "mom you are always tired and sleeping" OK it made me feel so tiny.  My poor husband doesn't have a wife anymore only a zombie who barely makes it until when he gets home before passing out. 
I really really hope this passes in the next few months.  I want to be a part of the family again.  I swear our trip to Colorado Dh's family is going to think I have  a drinking problem or something! That or one heck of a lazy woman. 
I will make it up to the family another time right?  Lord I hope so.  I know I need the rest so I am not beating myself up too much.  But I feel like a failure of a mom and wife ugh pregnancy hormones got to love them   
 
 
  

     
     
 

I am 7 weeks along today. I am happy. I feel fine. A bit tired still but that is a good sign hehehe.

Today is also my "baby's" birthday. Can you believe he is 6 now? Well OK you may be able to but I am still in disbelief! My little man is growing up. He will be going into first grade next year. Going to school 5 days a week this school year. I will miss him a lot. He is my little man such a great kid to hang around.
so tonight we are taking him out to dinner. I also have to run to Costco to get his presents. We are going to get him a leapster and a gameboy game. I figure the both could be used on the drive to Colorado hehe yes I have motives ;)


I cannot wait to tell him that he is going to be a big brother. He has wanted us to go to the hospital and get a brother or sister. He says he is tired of being the youngest. HAHA you hardly ever hear a kid say that. He keeps saying it only takes nine months to have a baby and what is taking us so long?

Dh and I have decided we will take the kids out to tell them that we are expecting. I am hoping it is all going to go over well.

I go to the dentist all ready. Get my numbing shot. While we are waiting we talk politics and lawyers, malpractice suits etc. So time enough has passed. It is time to start drilling. Well OWWWWW!!! OK I am not numb! My lip and cheek are but when he started drilling it was agony. So a second shot. The one side was fine and he could drill the other side Still painful. OK one last shot. A different medication. This should work right? NOPE I dang near went through the ceiling.

At this point he says that it is just not going to happen and he wants to see me back when I am about 4-5 months along to finish up the fillings (two little ones side by side). So that is it I am home. I am still nauseous but doing OK.


Until Next Time,
Me

I have a dentist appointment. UGH!! I have a filling that needs done. Not my idea of an ideal day. But it is all part of staying healthy dental health counts too :)

I had a rough night last night. It was hot (well for me anyway) and I had a bout with nighttime nausea. I was up so late then had to get up early to take dh to work. Have I mentioned how much I dislike having only one car?? I can't wait to get a second vehicle!

Well I am off to my appointment.

Until later,
Me

As we were having dinner tonight, DS#2 was being his normal self. Excitedly telling us some things he learned about some plants. He is so animated and so excited while he is talking. Another little one like him...Oh my goodness our dinner time conversations will be one heck of an experience hehe

I have done a lot, and I mean a lot of praying about this pregnancy. Of course I did my fair share of praying before getting pregnant. Now I am praying that things are ok with this baby, I pray for this baby's safety and for my ability to carry him or her to term.

Today I was thanking God that he has blessed me again with a baby. I prayed for the strength to make it through this pregnancy and of course for the health of the baby. I am feeling so blessed so happy and content today it is hard to explain. Blame it on pregnancy hormones or whatever.

Tonight what solidified that blessed feeling when I was leaving the meeting the sunset was spectacular. The colors were breathtaking the clouds added such depth. I just wish I had my camera to capture it. Something so beautiful created.

OK tonight's current rambling done

Until next time,
Me

It is yet another Monday.
Things are OK. I really have no appetite for anything. Not that I am feeling queasy or anything just not hungry.

At my first appointment they found a problem with my blood pressure. Believe it or not it was low. It explains the lightheadedness though. It was 89/54. Not in the worrisome stage yet. But If I faint I have to go to the hospital.

Here I sit today really doing nothing. Cleaning in spurts getting ready for my meeting tonight. I really want to cut out on the meeting but that wouldn't be that great hehe.

Still want the 21st to get here ASAP. I want to KNOW how things are going. UGH. But I do have some things to occupy me this week. I have a dentist appointment, my youngests birthday and then on Saturday we are taking him and a couple of his friends out bowling and to lunch.

OK I am back to my daily stuff...

Until next time,
Me

You know, if I were the normal pregnant woman I would go on about my daily life and not worry about what may or may not be happening with the baby.

Take today for example. My pregnancy symptoms subsided a little bit. Did I rejoice? No I worried. Heck I am still worried. I think I am close to the only woman in history that is happy to have those bothersome pregnancy symptoms.

You have to love what losing babies and having a hard time getting pregnant does to your thought process.


On another note we went out today and looked at some houses. We have found a few that we are really interested in. Some we are looking at are 5 bedrooms. A room for dh and I, both boys would have their own and the baby too. Not to mention we could have an office/compter room/video game roome. Enough room for us to spread out and enjoy things a little. Enough room so we are not tripping on dogs in the living room hehehehe
We just have to wait until after we get back from Colorado to buy. WOW we are going to be REAL grown ups. hehe
My husband is the best. All he wants is to make me happy and provide all he can for the family. He wants to get us a house for our future. Something we can call our own. This is something we both want and something we pray happens quickly.

Until Later
Me

You know I realized some family will be reading this and they will possibly have no clue what the abbreviations mean! I use DH a lot when referring to my husband.

DH=Dear Husband
u/s=ultrasound
DS=Dear Son

I will try to remember to put a key to explain the abbreviations hehe.

Even with my history we are doing our best to think positive.

Today dh and I went to the Navy Exchange and got a crib they had on sale. Well actually it is a crib and separate dresser. Nice quality too and a great light color. It also changes into a toddler bed for later too. That will come in handy as (s)he gets older.

We also got a baby Papasan chair. The dang thing has music and vibrates too! I swear the improvements they have made in the past 6 years is amazing. Got to love new gadgets.

Well we didn't buy these things we put them on layaway hehe. Hey Tax free and we can make payments? We will take it at this point.

We are starting over with this baby. We have nothing. Heck my little Man will be 6 on the 15th. OMG 6!!!! Anyway over the years we have let a lot of stuff go or sold it and whatnot. We did of course keep some clothes and the blankets. Especially blankets family has made for our boys.


I have debated about doing a registry. But as I thought about it I think I will. I figure if family wants to get the baby something and all of our family lives fairly far away, they will know what we actually NEED. If we do not get anything then fine and dandy. We will be fine as we always are ;)

The doctor when I went in on the 28th said in 2 weeks he wanted me to have an ultrasound.

That would be next week.... Well I waited to be called for the appointment hmm no call....holiday weekend threw a wrench into things.
So Wednesday I called and said well I am trying to schedule appointments for next week I need to know when to expect the ultrasound. OK they will leave a message.....

Come to today no phone call and here I am expecting the u/s next week. So I call back again. Again I get a we will call you back.

Well they do call back... and the appointment is scheduled for the 21st!! WAH!!! The first request got lost it turns out... lost in that fax black hole. That is another week UGH Soooo I will be 7w6d at the time of the u/s.

I guess I can look at it like this. I KNOW we will see a heartbeat right?

With my history of losses and all I am just scared. I know the u/s would have helped ease my mind a little.

Dh asked if there was anything he could do. I said "go buy an ultrasound machine" hehehehe. He laughed and said if he could he would.

DH has been great to be honest; so helpful. Not letting me lift anything he deems heavy.... I found out that includes the garage door hahaha. He has been understanding of me and my falling asleep by 8pm nightly and wanting to nod off during the day. He makes sure I eat and take care of myself. Good man I tell ya.


Until next time

Well I thought this would be the best way for me to get some things out.

I can say all of the stuff I would like to shout to the world.
Here I go:

Lets start this story on Fathers Day 2004. Feeling a little blah and worn out, I knew something was up. I went ahead and put one of those sticks to use. What stick? That would be the pregnancy test stick! And wouldn't you know it I saw a very faint second line. But this was the first time in a long while that I even got that faint line. I was so full of emotions. I was so excited yet scared as heck. Would I be going through another miscarriage? Would this baby stick around long enough to be born healthy and happy?
So here starts the obsession. The next day another test. Yup the line is still there. The next day, I will be darned but there it is AND it is darker! Later... A little darker. I will tell you all I am so glad we got those cheap tests in bulk (about .30 each) Otherwise we'd be broke hahaha.
Would you believe after those tests I still wasn't convinced I was pregnant??? So off to Costco I went. I picked up a 3-pack of E.P.T's. Even though I had been downing water all day and it wasn't the first thing in the morning....Again a positive!! The next day darker! Oh my goodness can you believe it?
So off to the clinic I go (after a fight with our insurance since they changed everything). So I went in after I dropped the hubby off at work (we only have the one car)I went to the clinic...And sat there for the HOUR before they opened. Tell me why can't people especially military things open earlier?? I went into the lab, got my cup and did the ol' filler up. I get told to have a seat. I think that was the longest 5 minutes of my life. Waiting and waiting. The guy who ran the test did not come out. One of his coworkers did with a paper in hand. Did she give me the results? Nope. She simply said "follow me" as we walked to the other side of the clinic. Then "wait here." as she went into the room.
Out comes a nurse and calls my name. I go into the room. She says.... "So it looks like you are 4 weeks pregnant and due March 3rd." OMG hahaha Why did they torture me so?
They asked if I had other children. I said yes 2. "so this is you 3rd pregnancy" I said "no actually this is my 5th medically confirmed" (I had two separate pregnancy tests come back positive other times and I miscarried before I made it to the Dr and 2 losses that were confirmed by the doctor). I simply got a "oh my" I was then asked what happened. I told her miscarriages. She asked if they were elective....ummm wouldn't that be an abortion not a miscarriage? I told her no. At that point I became a high risk pregnancy.
She went back to the doctor to get a referral put in the computer so I could go see a OB. Our medical clinic on base has no OB department. She comes back with my referral to the doctor I wanted. The priority is marked ASAP.
So I leave the clinic and on the way home I call the doctor and set up my appointment for the first available; that following Monday.
That evening I get a call from our insurance saying that my referral is approved and I got the confirmation number. How is that for service?
Monday rolls around and at that point I was 4weeks 4days pregnant. Not much to that appointment. He did try this handheld ultrasound machine. That didn't help alleviate my fears at all though. He said I am 60% sure that right there is the sac and fetal pole. 60%?!?!?!?! hahaha ok yeah let me run with that reassurance!
I was sent across the street to the hospital for bloodwork and again the filler up cup. They wanted to check everything as well as my progesterone because previous tests have come back low. I am on progesterone supplements now. They actually think that may be the cause of my previous miscarriages; the low progesterone.

So Today I am six weeks pregnant. Things so far are going OK. I had a scare a couple of days ago when I had the tiniest bit of pink spotting. Just that was enough to send me into this stage of thinking a miscarriage is coming. But it was so little and not red that it is considered "normal" and a good sign.

I do not think I will relax until next week when I get my first real ultrasound and see the heartbeat.

I haven't told anyone I am pregnant yet. Well except the hubby of course and one friend. No family knows the boys do not know. I won't tell anyone until 14-16 weeks when things are known to be OK. It is not that I want to hide it. Trust me I want to shout it from the rafters! But I cannot handle yet another loss. I feel each time I am letting everyone down and breaking their hearts a little bit.

OK well this was a spew of a first post hehe. But I had a lot to fit into one post :)

Until next time......