Friday, March 25, 2005
Selfish? Stupid? Or....?
Let me tell you all what has been going on in my mind lately. Well at least what I can try to unjumble for you all.
Here I am. I have three WONDERFUL boys. They are truly the essence of my life. I have an infant son. He is just over a month old. BEAUTIFUL and perfect in every way. He is everything I ever dreamed of.
But here I sit and I am really wanting another child. yes ALREADY. I am not sure why I feel the urgency. Is it because we went through so many years of infertility? Am I afraid of that happening again? Is it because I feel I am getting older?-that magical age of advance maternal age is just around the corner at 35. I had this vision of my 'ideal family'. Now I have not always had the feeling... there was a time I didn't think I wanted children. Now I cannot imagine myself without them. I also 'knew' I would have this ideal family by the time I was 30 (yeah that was in January).
My ideal family you ask?? I would love to have 4-5 children. I grew up with just me in the house...essentially an only child. Yes OK I had half and step sisters and brothers coming out of my ears but I grew up without them in my house.Dh said he just had his sister growing up and he is for having the kiddos have more than just one sibling. So I do not feel I am FORCING him into this decision at all. DH is a wonderful husband. For a long time I thought even better than I deserved. Not the type of guy I had dated in the past. Which is why I married him! He is a wonderful father. He has evolved into that wonderful father. I swear he was scared to be a father and make some of the same mistakes he dealt with. Heck aren't we all terrified to make the mistakes we think our parents made? Now I could not ask for a better man. He is amazing and wonderful, a role model, Loving, caring..... just everything a great father is
Now having been through infertility...albeit secondary infertility, I know the pain of wanting a child, I know the want the pain the heartache and jealousy. I know people who want children be it through adoption or to have their own or heck both. Do I feel I 'deserve' a child more than them? NO. Do I feel guilty and greedy for wanting more children? YES. Why? I wish I knew! I do not think I am better than anyone else. But Should I feel guilty about having the family I want? Should I care what others think? My guess would be no. But it doesn't help does it? I just wish I had a magic wand and those who are trying and going through that pain... I wish I could help them achieve their dreams. But that is impossible. UGH
So here I am the desire to have another child is STRONG. I should be true to myself and do what I feel is right for us and not give a rats behind about anyone else. But what in the world is with this guilt? I would not be able to give 4-5 children the world. But having all of the material things in the world does that matter. Having all the needs some of the wants and all the love that is what matters right?
OK I am going to go back and stare at my baby sleep. Then later MORE househunting. Wish me luck on that. We have seen some real winners lately LOL (OK FAR from winners).
If you have the answers or a miracle cure for my dilema, let me know!
Here I am. I have three WONDERFUL boys. They are truly the essence of my life. I have an infant son. He is just over a month old. BEAUTIFUL and perfect in every way. He is everything I ever dreamed of.
But here I sit and I am really wanting another child. yes ALREADY. I am not sure why I feel the urgency. Is it because we went through so many years of infertility? Am I afraid of that happening again? Is it because I feel I am getting older?-that magical age of advance maternal age is just around the corner at 35. I had this vision of my 'ideal family'. Now I have not always had the feeling... there was a time I didn't think I wanted children. Now I cannot imagine myself without them. I also 'knew' I would have this ideal family by the time I was 30 (yeah that was in January).
My ideal family you ask?? I would love to have 4-5 children. I grew up with just me in the house...essentially an only child. Yes OK I had half and step sisters and brothers coming out of my ears but I grew up without them in my house.Dh said he just had his sister growing up and he is for having the kiddos have more than just one sibling. So I do not feel I am FORCING him into this decision at all. DH is a wonderful husband. For a long time I thought even better than I deserved. Not the type of guy I had dated in the past. Which is why I married him! He is a wonderful father. He has evolved into that wonderful father. I swear he was scared to be a father and make some of the same mistakes he dealt with. Heck aren't we all terrified to make the mistakes we think our parents made? Now I could not ask for a better man. He is amazing and wonderful, a role model, Loving, caring..... just everything a great father is
Now having been through infertility...albeit secondary infertility, I know the pain of wanting a child, I know the want the pain the heartache and jealousy. I know people who want children be it through adoption or to have their own or heck both. Do I feel I 'deserve' a child more than them? NO. Do I feel guilty and greedy for wanting more children? YES. Why? I wish I knew! I do not think I am better than anyone else. But Should I feel guilty about having the family I want? Should I care what others think? My guess would be no. But it doesn't help does it? I just wish I had a magic wand and those who are trying and going through that pain... I wish I could help them achieve their dreams. But that is impossible. UGH
So here I am the desire to have another child is STRONG. I should be true to myself and do what I feel is right for us and not give a rats behind about anyone else. But what in the world is with this guilt? I would not be able to give 4-5 children the world. But having all of the material things in the world does that matter. Having all the needs some of the wants and all the love that is what matters right?
OK I am going to go back and stare at my baby sleep. Then later MORE househunting. Wish me luck on that. We have seen some real winners lately LOL (OK FAR from winners).
If you have the answers or a miracle cure for my dilema, let me know!
