Gina's Ramblings

Well I figure that this blog will be more of a Gina blog about life but a lot about Grady too.

DS#1 started on a new medication to help treat his bipolar manic episodes. (boy is that a mouth full!) . The strange thing about this is while it have very very few side effects. The LOWER doses have a big sedative effect. So within an hour of taking the medicine he is out cold. But we have to walk up the dosage and not just start out at the highest dose. BUT I do have to say today he was wonderful he behaved like himself again. Not perfection (We can never expect that out of anyone) but we did not have the HUGE mood swings, no rages and generally an even temperment! I am so happy I swear I almost cried! It has been a long time coming to have my son behave like this.

I got the Take along swing on Freecycle!!! I hope it is in good shape :) But it is the one I wanted For Grady too :)

OK I am exhausted. Grady is asleep and since he has been sleeping a 6 hour stretche at night... I should be sleeping when he does though it seems I never do.

OH the house bid is in. We will know by Friday if they accept our terms. Praying hard for this

Well today Grady is 5 weeks old :)
Last night he slept for 6 hours straight!!! After he started to stir awake... well my milk started flowing lol dangit I just washed that gown too.

He went in this morning to have his circ checked. Well he healed "too well" YEOWCH but the skin had to separated because it healed together. I will say that boy has one heck of a pain threshhold and calms himself down very quickly.

I did weigh him. Now he DID have his outfit own BUT he weighed 11 pounds 8 ounces!!!!!!

OK he is calling momma it is time for his nighttime feeding!

Only a few I can remember hehe

~Watching an elderly couple walk arm in arm as they walk down the sidewalk

~The feel of the warm sun after it had been pouring rain

~the giddy excitement over finding the house

While I am hesitant to be excited..... I really want to be! We finally found a house we REALLY like. It is a little more commute for hubby BUT a GREAT house for us!
Brand new construction 4 bedroom 2.5 bath, family living and dinging room unfortunately a small kitchen,deck in the back. a porch in the front, front and back landscaped, Beautifully done home

The street name is actually the same as hubby and son #2 HAHA

We put the bid papers in tomorrow morning! We are praying the builder will accept the terms of paying closing costs.

Here is the house


I will be taking pictures of the inside once our offer is accepted ;) Positive thinking right???

Good news the boys would remain in the same school district and we believe that our oldest who is going to middle school this year...will go to the same middle school as he would had we remained here :)
Our middle son would have to change schools.

My mom is coming up in a couple of days she is helping us out with costs and will also be looking at the house.

Last night was mine and Grady's first restless night. He just could NOT find a spot that was comfortable and would work for him. He was fussy the entire night I got a few 10 minute stretches of sleep.
You know what bugged me the most? Not being able to figure out what would help him. The fact I couldn'thelp him was so difficult for me :(
He is still fussy today not crying just uncomfortable I guess. UGH

You know the other day Hubby saud something that made me feel a little better. I am still restricted from things like vacuuing and mopping. He has taken that duty over. He said he never realized how often I did it and how much it took to keep things going in the house.

I know I am hoping for too much in hoping he remembers this when I fully take over again lol

Grady is officially the least expensive baby I have had LOL. Heck even with the c-section he and I cost about $12,000 for the stay in the hospital. DS#2 was over $30,000 WOWZERS. Again thankful for our insurance

Let me tell you all what has been going on in my mind lately. Well at least what I can try to unjumble for you all.

Here I am. I have three WONDERFUL boys. They are truly the essence of my life. I have an infant son. He is just over a month old. BEAUTIFUL and perfect in every way. He is everything I ever dreamed of.

But here I sit and I am really wanting another child. yes ALREADY. I am not sure why I feel the urgency. Is it because we went through so many years of infertility? Am I afraid of that happening again? Is it because I feel I am getting older?-that magical age of advance maternal age is just around the corner at 35. I had this vision of my 'ideal family'. Now I have not always had the feeling... there was a time I didn't think I wanted children. Now I cannot imagine myself without them. I also 'knew' I would have this ideal family by the time I was 30 (yeah that was in January).

My ideal family you ask?? I would love to have 4-5 children. I grew up with just me in the house...essentially an only child. Yes OK I had half and step sisters and brothers coming out of my ears but I grew up without them in my house.Dh said he just had his sister growing up and he is for having the kiddos have more than just one sibling. So I do not feel I am FORCING him into this decision at all. DH is a wonderful husband. For a long time I thought even better than I deserved. Not the type of guy I had dated in the past. Which is why I married him! He is a wonderful father. He has evolved into that wonderful father. I swear he was scared to be a father and make some of the same mistakes he dealt with. Heck aren't we all terrified to make the mistakes we think our parents made? Now I could not ask for a better man. He is amazing and wonderful, a role model, Loving, caring..... just everything a great father is

Now having been through infertility...albeit secondary infertility, I know the pain of wanting a child, I know the want the pain the heartache and jealousy. I know people who want children be it through adoption or to have their own or heck both. Do I feel I 'deserve' a child more than them? NO. Do I feel guilty and greedy for wanting more children? YES. Why? I wish I knew! I do not think I am better than anyone else. But Should I feel guilty about having the family I want? Should I care what others think? My guess would be no. But it doesn't help does it? I just wish I had a magic wand and those who are trying and going through that pain... I wish I could help them achieve their dreams. But that is impossible. UGH

So here I am the desire to have another child is STRONG. I should be true to myself and do what I feel is right for us and not give a rats behind about anyone else. But what in the world is with this guilt? I would not be able to give 4-5 children the world. But having all of the material things in the world does that matter. Having all the needs some of the wants and all the love that is what matters right?

OK I am going to go back and stare at my baby sleep. Then later MORE househunting. Wish me luck on that. We have seen some real winners lately LOL (OK FAR from winners).

If you have the answers or a miracle cure for my dilema, let me know!

Man time is flying. Grady is a month old today. Things are going really well.

He is over 10 pounds now and 22 inches long. We are sleeping about 4-5 hours at a stretch at night. Things have actually been going really smooth with him. It is nice to have a fairly easy going baby :)

He is cluster feeding but I know this schedule is only temporary. He also likes the sling too (a big plus ;) )

When DH and I were deciding on Grady's name we were going back and forth about if we should hyphanate his middle names. We decided we would and filled out the paperwork with it written that way. Well thanks to the way it was entererd by BOTH the county AND the social security office... well his name is now not hyphanated lol. It wasn't that important to us and I do not feel like fighting the red tape to change it lol

Here are a couple of pictures. One is his VERY happy to see mom face lol The other well it looks like I am boring the tar out of him HAHA

So dang inadequate lately. I WANT to do so much but I am limited as to what I can do. No vacuuming mopping lifting more than Grady weighs etc etc etc . 3 more weeks of this? wow

I feel like the older boys and dh have been left to fend for themselves and I am completely ignoring them (and my house).

I have pushed myself and paid dearly for it for a couple of days. My walks are as much as I can do for now.

UGH OK off to bed now

Today mini man is 3 weeks old. OK Time can slow down any day now!

He weighs 9lbs 13ozs. So he is almost at the 10 pound mark. He is eating well. and the co-sleeping helps he eats well and we both sleep a little more.

Today though... let me tell you I missed the "good old days". When I had DS#1 over 10 years ago, while in the hospital they took him off did his circumcision and then brought him back to me. Today I had to endure witnessing my second son get a circumcision. Watching him get strapped to the board and having him cry and not be able to pick him up and comfort him...it is torture. He is doing ok now. he is sleeping but you can tell he hurts. My heart breaks. And part of me wishes I didn't get it done. Some equate a circumcision to female genital mutilation. Now that I am feeling as guilty as I am... this echoes in my head. So why did we do it? Dad and the other boys had it done, the hygenene (though that is even outdated) issues... social reasons... but in this guilty mom's mind right now... none seem like a good enough reason.

I am typing this while nursing him. So I am getting better at multitasking ;)
New mommyhood is wonderful. Oh my announcements are all addressed :) I am not ahead of the game BUT I am keeping up! okok somewhat

BUT good ones.

Yesterday I was talking to Grady. Telling him how much I love him, how much he was wanted and how happy I am that he is here. I started to cry. I am truly that happy. After all the years of trying to have another child, going through the miscarriages and the YEARS of month after month disappointment here he is. Perfect in every way. Everything I ever dreamed of.

There will be moments of frustration but I know not one of those moments will make me feel any less blessed to have him in our lives :)

Well enough babble. Dh is on the way home and we are taking DS#1 to a card tournament and then going out to dinner. It will be fun to ask for a table for 5 :)

Today Grady is 2 weeks old. I swear things are already flying by!

Today was also Grady and I's first day at home without Dad. Dh went back to work today after having 2 weeks off :(. I really did miss him. I will admit I was spoiled having him home.

So he headed off to work and then the boys headed off to school and Grady and I were left to fend for ourselves. I will not lie and say that we did a darn thing productive... We stayed in bed cuddled and slept. But there is not a greater way to spend the day! Cuddling with a sweet adorable newborn, what could be better?

Grady is nursing well. I can tell he is going through a bit of a growth spurt. He wants to nurse for very long stretches and more often. I am not worried about how much he is eating . Plenty of wet and dirty diapers to keep me busy lol.

DH came home from work today with a couple of things from his shop. One of the guys wives gave us a gift with some adorable onsies and bibs. And another co-worker put out a card for us expecting people to sign it if they wanted. Turns out he came back to a card that was not only signed but an envelope of money!!! His wife got us a $75 gift card for babies r us. Can you believe that? How amazingly generous.

Well I am off to take care of the mini man. He has the most kissable cheeks true love... what can I tell ya...true love

# posted by Gina @ 8:58 PM 1 comments  

Just wanted to share a couple of pics of Grady





Grady looking up at daddy

Feb 21 2005.
We all got up at 0530. Started getting ready took my shower, rechecked my bag to make sure I didn't forget anything, got the boys up and moving.... Then at 0600 I called the hospital. I was clear to come in. No one else was there in labor. I have been having contractions for the past couple of days Nothing worth timing... they went from 5 minutes apart to 20 to 10....well you get the point. I figure this labor will be a breeze.

We get there at 0630 I check in and go upstairs to labor and delivery. I get my oh so fashionable open in the back show your but to the world gown ;) . Then they hook me up to the IV. Or should I say try? They had a student nurse there and I was OK being the guinea pig. She however missed my vein...well ok she didn't miss it she just went through it! lol The nurse she was working with adjusted it and then it was better. They hooked up my IV then my pitocin, then my antibiotics (since I was Strep B positive). I was straped up to the monitors to monitor Gradys heartrate and my contractions. My contractions when I was first hooked up BEFORE the pitocin started they were about 2.5-3 minutes apart, however they were not strong enough or long enough to be very productive. Grady's heartrate was a bit high at times but still within the range of normal. It was kind of scary though his heartrate would range from the high end to the very low end. Nothing like a constant monitor to make a mom obsess.

So the pitocin starts up. Makes the contrations stronger. Not unbearable. Enough to make me stop mid sentence and concentrate to breathe through them. This continues to mid morning when my doctor comes in to check my cervix. My cervix was still VERY high, the pain of the doctor trying to reach it was oh man just terrible. Once he got it though he held on. He was trying to get in there to break my water. No sign of the baby's head which means he was still high up. He tried to break my water ... yeah ok that hurt too a lot. After a few attempts he could't reach it to break it.... So he quit. There was no change in my cervix from the last dr appointment.

Every hour they upped the pitocin. I would be contracting OK they would up the pitocin and BAM I would quit contracting! How is that logical?? Then about 30-45 mintues later the contrax would pick up again and then they would up it and then they would stop.

That evening around 4 Dr. Ramsden came back in to check my progress. After all that pitocin and all that contracting... NO change! No change in dilation, thickness or babys position. He ordered the pitocin stopped. He said I should eat dinner and that night they would give me a couple of doses of cervical ripening agent. I still had contractions off of the pitocin. though the pills to ripen my cervix seemed to have no effect. The doc was hoping they would help really start my labor.

Feb 22
Come 7 am the doc had called in and asked that my pitocin be restarted...this however I didn't learn until later... because it was not restarted. The doctor came in about 0830 to check me... but found the pit was not restarted. So he went out and said...restart it. he said OK I will be back this afternoon to check you. Well 9 came and went and 10..... THEN someone came in at 1015 to restart the pitocin. My doctor came in at 1:30 to check me. Found out when the pit was restarted and got a little hot under the collar. He checked my cervix....would youlike to take a guess?? NO CHANGE! No dialation thinning or baby position change. I was in tears. He said OK here is what we can do. A: stop the pitocin send you home and bring you back next week to try again. Or B: stop the pitocin and go for a C-section. He said I wil let you and your husband talk about it. I will be here for a little bit or you can reach me at the office. I was so upset. I wanted things to work better than my other 2 deliveries. I wanted a baby that I could take home with me and it not end up in the NICU. I did not want to become sick or have a baby that was sick (again) Dh and I talked about it. Letting things go another week. We would be facing an even larger baby, and who is to say we wouldn't go through 2 more days of inducing to end up with a c-section anyway? So I said I wanted to be done. It had been about 30+ hours at that time and I was tired. I was frustrated and seemed to be at the end of my patience. So dh agreed. He stepped out and told the doctor that we are going to go forward with a C-section. No problem. The doc ordered the pitocin stopped. Now THAT they got done in 5 minutes LOL. I signed the appropriate papers. My doctor answered all of my questions about the c-section I had and then he left to go get me onthe board for the surgery.

He comes up and tells us we are looking at about 5-6 pm. No problem. DH and DS#1 heard out to lunch. Next thing I know at 2:30 the nurses come in and say I have to get prepped for surgery right then. They had an opening and they are going to get me in sooner! I got shaved lol, I got my catheder (OUCH) and then I sat there... and waited. DH and DS came back in the midst of the catheder and were asked to wait until it was done. DH was in shock I think that it was happening then.

About 4 I got rolled into the OR. The staff was amazing. they explained everything. and I met my new best friend...the anesthesiologist!!! He was wonderful . I was getting a spinal block instead of an epidural. this was a first for me. They roll me from the prep area into the OR. They have had dh get his scrubs on and wait until they are done prepping me. I get on the operating table and sit up for the spinal block put in. Let me say.... i think I am one of the few who laughed while they were getting their spinal LOL My doctor was there, holding my hand. He is such a great guy and I am disappointed he is moving to another practice, possibly in another state even. ANYWAY.... They get the spinal in. To be honest this guy did a GREAT job. They get me down on the table and then my legs start to get warm. Then numb. So things are getting ready to go. He checks me about a minute later. I was numb up to the chest and good to go. they get me washed off and the drape up and bring hubby in.

Once he was in and sit down they started to cut. DH wanted nothing to do with taping the c-section or looking or anything lol. He held my hand. I could tell he was about as nervous as I was. He is my rock.... I would have been a basket case without him.

I felt the doctors tugging at me a little bit. Next thing I know Dr. Ramsden says "it's a boy!! And he is peeing !" LOL yup he came into the world bawling and peeing!! He gets handed off to the nurses and brought over to get dried off, warmed up, and taken care of. Next thing I know I hear how he is STILL peeing AND pooping! Not just a little but more than I think any baby should have LOL. Everytime they would clean him up and change the towels he would go again. He lost almost a pound I am sure! But they do not weigh them in the OR just upstairs in the nursery... for exactly that reason often the babies lose a lot of weight with that first bowel movement.
They finally brought him over to see me. I could hear him grunting... having a little trouble breathing. With my past experiences this worried me a lot. But they assured me that this is very normal in c-section babies and not to worry.
So baby Grady and dad left together to go upstairs to the nursery (which since it was just him I know little to nothing of the story). Meanwhile I was getting stiched up and stapled up too. I was put back on pitocin because my uterus was "floppy" after all that labor and a big baby.

They move me into the recovery room and they did something amazing. They staff took and printed up pictures of Grady for me! They said that C-section moms do a lot better and worry about their babies less when they have the pictures to look at :) In the recovery room they kept making sure I was getting feeling back. And by the time for me to go back up to my room I was able to wiggle my legs.

When I got back into my room it was about an hour until I was able to see my new son. He was having some problems breathing but it was not a big deal he was getting better. Thay had taken a chest x-ray to besure had checked his blood sugars too. His APGAR scores were actually 9 and 9. So on paper he was actually doing well

I lost a little steam in this posting as I had to stop for a feeding diaper change and another feeding.

I finally got Grady in my room with me. And I got to look at all of his fingers and toes and feed him for the first time. He was a nursing pro from the first feeding. It was then that I came to the decision finally on what his name would be. Grady John-Park Lewman. We really liked the name Grady ...and by the way everyone who hears it likes it. And trust me it fits him. The John is for my dad who passed away. Park is a family tradition on dh's fathers side. So with the middle name we were able to actually honor both sides of the family.

The pediatrician I was less than thrilled with. But it was over ONE statement. Little things that make me think...no thank you. Within 18 hours of Grady being born she asked if my milk had come in, when I said no she suggested supplementing!. ANYONE who has done any research on breastfeeding knows it takes anywhere from 2-5 days for your milk to come in.

We were both discharged from the hospital 2 days after delivery. I was happy to be home. Being at home helped my recovery. this c-section recovery has honestly almost been easier than my vaginal deliveries.

3 days after delivery my staples were taken out. turns out on the skin around the scar I got a yeast infection.

4 days after delivery Grady went back to the doctor and had his weight checked and his billirubin levels checked. They went from 9.3 to 10.1. But they were still under the concern level. This is the time that a child came out of the office and touched Grady on the face. This child had crust coming out of his eyes and nose well I was ticked this kids parent didn't stop their sick child from touching a newborn. But I got more ticked off when Grady turned up with PINK EYE!!!!

I am feeling great. Recovery is great. I am adjusting to being a mom of a newborn again. I love this little man so very much it almost makes me cry. He is perfect. Everything we dreamed of and hoped for.

I will be posting more of Grady's birth story as well as the whole bunch I have to update (heck he will be 2 weeks old Tuesday). I have a few moments now while he is sleeping here in my arms but he is fussing and is a bit hungry. So while I have a little bit I do not have enough to pst what I want.
And with that cue... my mini man here is squeaking.... his feed me please noise ;)

On 2/22/05 at 4:44pm Our son Grady John-Park Lewman arrived.

He weighed in at a healthy 9 pounds 9 ounces. All 10 fingers and 10 toes a full head of hair and he looks JUST like his older Brother Gary did.

After 34 hours of labor Grady made his way into the world via C-section.

We are both home now. Nothing like being home to help the spirits!

I just cannot stop staring at this little miracle. He is everything we were hoping for and then some. He is truly amazing. He is a very mellow little man and has been just so wonderful.

I am attaching a few pictures of the little man, enjoy!!