Gina's Ramblings

UGH I sooooooo (that enough O's??) dislike my dreams lately. EVERY single one DH wants a divorce. Yup every night in my dream he leaves me for one reason or another. Cheating, never loved me, Gay, ummm oh bored. You name it he has left me because of it. One time Dream dh said all I ever do is eat and sleep and he couldn't live with it any more.
Gee think I am insecure much? The dreams are so darn vivid and SO real. I wake up and if dh has left for work (though he always kisses me and says he loves me before he leaves) I have to try to remember if we are still together if it WAS a dream.
The thing is there is no HINT of problems in our marriage. Nothing going on that would lead me to think of divorce. So why even dream like this? Is it my worst fears materializing in dream form?
I just want a happy dream. One where I win the lottery or something. UGH
Wonder if this is another side effect of the medicines?

Ok here are your medications to make you all better. Clear up that nasty blood pressure issue and the nerves. Yeah but now... I feel like TAR! I feel worse now being 'fixed' than I did being broken!
UGH!!!!
Good news. More kids have RSVP'd for DS#2's party this weekend. He is SUCH a worry wort that he is in knots over there not being enough people.
Now I am looking forward to the party... mostly to have it over and done with LOL

"Mom was the thing in my ear because of my actions?"

And only remember th bad times of his childhood? I swear DS#1 cannot catch a break. It seems if it could go wrong with him it has.
Today was his ENT appointment. First the doctor went in to clean out the wax that was darn near clogging the entire canal. You know that scene in Shrek? Where he pulls out the wax and makes a candle? Yeah I had visions of that scene during the clean out.
The right ear (his good ear. Still has the perferation.
She goes in to look at the left ear, and says "wow". OK that is NEVER good when a doctor says "wow". She called me over to look in the scope and there is this big bulging part of the eardrum. He now has a Cholesteatoma It is a cyst growth. We are not sure how long it has been growing, how agressive it is, or if it has 'eaten' any of the bones in his inner ear. They will be doing a biopsy of it as well when they take it out.
He has a CT scan the first part of June to hopefully see how big it is. Also so they will have a 'map' for when they do the surgery.
The surgery is scheduled for Aug 29th. It was planned around his summer vacation and of course PAX. This will put him at the far end of 'as long as the doctor wants to wait to do the surgery' stage. They do not want to wait too terribly long because it can grow. But with the surgery schedule the doctors schedule and DS#1's schedule Aug works for everyone. We just put it off one more week until after PAX.
So there we have it. Another OMG thing happening with him.
Will he go deaf? is it a congenital defect? is it a fluke? Will it come back? Will the extra hearing loss he is now suffering be permanant?
UGH!!!!
I really do want to scream "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


My good news of the day is about me. All of my bloodwork is fine. No high Cholesterol no thyroid problems, no potassium problems etc etc. Blood pressure is just stress induced. Days like today do not help.

I am on day 4 of a stupid headache. Nothing is helping. Still a bit shaky. But not too bad. Some moments are better than others. My mood is OK. I am handling the bumps a lot better (I think). Always room for improvement however.

My eldest is home today suspended. Yet another fight at school. He needs to learn to control his anger and let the little things slide. He is upstairs in his room today. The remainder of his suspension will take place the last few days of school so no sixth grade picnic or any of the fun stuff. When will he learn?

We are waiting to hear about our home equity loan. We are CROSSING our fingers we get it. We can build the fence and all with that (darn expenses tapped us this year).

The dish network commercials here seem like they are advertising a cult.

The bryman and other technical schools have some of THE most depressing commercials. "My kids are always sick I went into the medical field to find out wat is wrong with them" Umm hello take them into the doctor. "My dad never believed in me until I Graduated... Now he says I will make somethig of my life" Conratulations you are no longer a slacker and you have a job!

At almost 4 am UP. Would someone explain to my beautiful 14 month old that while he is ADORABLE 3 am is not the desired time to wake up and be chipper and ready to go for the day??
DH has PRT this morning and needs his rest So I am at it alone. Coming downstairs was hard between the shakiness and the tiredness ...well I had my adventure of the day hahha

It appears the shakes come from my nighttime medication. So now I know. Yesterday went better then after I took my nighttime meds I started shaking , though it WAS less.
Well I know I will be napping sometime this morning.... for my own sanity LOL

I guess I could do dishes and be productive while the miniman watches his video (love Baby Einstein) Weird though he must sit on the dog pillow to watch his show. I swear he thinks he is a dog!

Off to do dishes to make up for skipping them last night.... and my nap this morning I will take.

NEVER understand some people and I will neverunderstand things like this tragedy

You know I wanted to post this before I forgot about it.
My husband wakes up every morning puts on his uniform and goes to work. He comes home takes off his work clothes and puts on 'normal' clothes. How weird is it that I never really THINK about him being in the Navy?
I normaly do not set foot on the base. Sometimes months. The commissary is not on the base up here it is about 10 miles from it. Yesterday I went down there to fill my prescriptions. It HONESTLY felt weird! I saw all of these people in uniforms and military vehicles and it felt like I had never been on a military base before. It all just felt so odd. Like I suddenly had the realization that DUH my husband IS in the Navy!

WEll as we all thought I have prehypertension. I am now on medication to help lower my blood pressure and a medication to help with the stress. Since nothing else worked I will have medication helping me to 'take it easy'. Unfortunately my husband thinks that it is some insta fix and I should feel better already. I just hope he understands it takes awhile for this stuff to get a baseline in my system.
And the side effect right now I could do without. You know how when you get out of a warm bed and you get the shivers that just won't go away? The shivers that seem to be shaking your inner core? Yeah well I feel like that all the time. Tremors or whatever. I just don't like them. I am hoping that in a few days they will go away. If not I have to call my doctor and have my meds switched.
Typing this is a pain because I have so many typos it is outrageous.
I just want to get better

And I cannot help but be reminded of the baby I lost in 2001. I am better about it now. It "only" took 5 years to get to this point.
But to top it off I am sitting here waiting on my cycle to start today. Nothing like another little "neener neener" from my body you know? The fact that the anniversary and another failed month fall on the same day... Well it is a double whammy (which has now got me thinking about that gameshow Press Your Luck Ironic no? lol)

#1 son had two teeth pulled. Just part two of his orthodontic adventure. His spacers are in and two teeth are out. They may have to ppull two on the bottom and possibly the adult teeth in the same spots. He has no room for all of his teeth to come in.

Mother's Day.
I know as a Mom I should be giddy THINKING about the upcoming ME day. But the time surrounding Mother's Day is so full of loss for me. in May 1998 We lost the man who married us, May 9 2000 My dad died, May 10 2001 I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, May 2002 My great uncle died, May 2003 My grandmother Died. Those are the BIG deaths. Every year from 1998 to 2003 someone died in May!
I started to dread the whole month and all I wanted to do was crawl in a hole until the month was over.
But I do not like Mothers Day. It just makes me think about LOSS. I SHOULD be celebrating the lives I have created and nurtured but instead I get sad and grieve.

Is herding a baby toy all around the downstairs. OMG it is irritating! lol He is old he will get tired soon right?